The Highly Emotional Sting of Family Cut-Offs and why Not to Do it
Family cut-offs have always existed. In some families, perhaps more than others. Maybe it was an alcoholic uncle whom nobody could tolerate, or it was the brother that took off with the family inheritance, or the sister who stole your high school boyfriend and married him. Nowadays, it seems that intergenerational cut-offs are so common, that they may happen for any reason, including clashes in values, differences of opinion, or even a look that someone gave you that was taken out of context. Sometimes the cut-off is interpreted as holding firm boundaries, which is sometimes given as an excuse for remaining distant and estranged.
Whatever egregious thing was said or done, the cut-off symbolizes one thing clearly. That those who do “wrong” will not be forgiven. This implies that the other party was fully in the “right” lending to only one person’s perspective. And ultimately this results from thinking in black and white terms, leading to fracture and division of family bonds, loyalty binds, and plenty of unresolved anger and grief.
Commonly, family cut-offs can be viewed as a generational divide. Often older generations hold certain values and expectations that the younger generation does not share. In this case, when certain expectations are not met, there may be a judgmental or punitive quality around this, rather than an open and accepting attitude. The person who is more staunchly set in their ways will often trigger the person who sees the world from a more nuanced view. This can lead to power struggles, hurt feelings, controlling attitudes, and resentment.
From this perspective, how do you handle addressing someone’s unrealistic expectations, or a personal values clash without resulting in cut-off? The key is:
Have compassion and understanding for a viewpoint that is different from your own. If you insist on being “right” there is no compromise. Be curious about their perspective, and at the very least be willing to say, “I can understand how you came to that conclusion, or why you feel that way, even though my perspective is different.”
Do not use harsh languaging or labels. Even if your family member is emotionally immature, have compassion. Do not say, “You are a narcissist…” ultimately, this only makes matters worse, and most of the time this comes from a projective feeling or reaction rather than a full reality.
Do not gossip or divide by spreading rumors to other individuals or favoring other family members. If you are leading the smear campaign, then you are acting as the immature one. Do not sink to this level, as it only creates further division and rupture, with far less potential for repair.
Ultimately compromise comes from setting boundaries that are fair and not too rigid. If you need distance to regain composure before responding, take this time. But if you wait 2 months to get back to someone, you are only playing the game by “icing them out.”
Be assertive, and also have compassion. If someone is pushing your boundaries, and you come from a caring place, ultimately this will be better received than if you snap at someone and bark orders.
Realize that just because someone has a different perspective or experience than you, it does not make them wrong. Put aside the need to judge, label, or vindicate yourself. Righteousness never bodes well in relationships.
By actively cultivating a practice of acceptance, gratitude, and non-judgement, you can foster a more open and compassionate approach to nurture your relationships. Remember that people have different experiences and perspectives, and values clashes are common. This can all be navigated more smoothly with a caring, open, and firm attitude.
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